I spoke a little bit about my friend Helene Pawlikowski’s journey from devastation to inspiration the other day. Now (in her own words) this is her story.
Helene Pawlikowski
(Mother of Ardeth’s boyfriend, Krystan)
Who knew that 4 little words would shatter so many hearts and lives? I heard the panic faintly shadowing Krystan’s words. The words spoken by my son when he called long-distance to say,
“Mom, Ardeth is missing”.
The words hung frozen for a moment, shattered and stung. I heard them ringing in my ears. I heard them pounding in my chest. I heard them screaming in my mind. I heard them die in my soul. I knew that something tragic and inconceivable had happened to Ardeth.
The emotional see-sawing of feelings between hope and despair became “normal” for the five days I waited for someone, anyone to find Ardeth. I prayed with a fervour I did not know I possessed. Arriving in Ottawa the day Ardeth’s body was found, was a blessing. I was there for my son. I was there for whoever needed me to be there. Yet, I was not there at all. Shock becomes this warm blanket that tries to protect you from a reality so horrific, the mind simply cannot grasp it. Over and over in my mind, the questions played…”Who killed Ardeth?”, “What happened at Green’s Creek?’, “Would the killer be caught?” And “How would we survive without Ardeth in our lives?”
The funeral service……well, there are just no words. The finality of it all became quite real that day. Standing at the cemetery, looking at her coffin and trying again to have something make sense…..nothing did! Twenty-seven, she was just twenty-seven.
Ardeth was beautiful. She was intelligent and kind and so compassionate.
She was gentle, shy and quiet. She was loving, centered and sweet. She was happy and pure, all loving and energy, soothing and embracing. She was a delight. She loved her family and friends. She could cook, bake, do crafts and play the piano. She loved to run and ride her bike. She could warm your heart with her smile. She could inspire you with her wisdom. She found pleasure in the simple things in life. She was dedicated to her family, friends, faith and studies.
Around Ardeth, I felt calm, and inspired. I miss feeling that. I miss having her around. I miss Krystan saying, “Ardeth and I”. Krystan became “Ardeth and I” and the two were one in my eyes. When Ardeth was murdered, it was no longer, “Ardeth and I” when I spoke to my son. “Ardeth and I”, were killed too. Krystan has not spoken Ardeth’s name since her killing. A name he once spoke often and lovingly and proudly.
My son who once loved his studies, quit. My son who once was open, happy and talkative became closed, sad, sullen and quiet. I barely knew how to deal with my own grief, how was I to help him? There were no words to comfort him. For over two years, I prayed that her killer would be caught and then we would heal and have closure. This word is foreign to me. There is simply trying to learn to live with an indescribable pain, a wound so deep you never know what will trigger the hemorrhaging and the gut wrenching sadness. Nothing would ever be the same. Nothing would ever feel the same.
Words like missing, drowning, murder, autopsy, mourning, and grief will never be the same. All the women you hurt and Ardeth who you brutally murdered will have some justice. As for those of us left behind, we will all continue to trudge on this lonely and endless path. Nothing will change that.
You took away from Ardeth the opportunity to finish her studies and become Doctor Wood and to teach others. You took away from Ardeth the opportunity to marry Krystan.
Instead of them going down to aisle together to get married, Krystan helped carry her casket. I lost the only daughter I ever had. You took away from Ardeth the opportunity to have the five children she dreamed of having. I lost those five grandchildren. You took away from Ardeth the opportunity to travel: Italy was planned for the following summer. The day of her funeral, was the day we were to start our vacation together at Niagara-On-The-Lake. Instead of a vacation, we began the long journey of grieving.
We had to learn how to live when a loved one is torn from your life.
Let me tell you something, Chris Myers. You may have done all that but your evil acts will never outshine Ardeth- Who she was and what she stood for and what she meant to all of us. You will never take away from any of us who loved her…the memories and joy of having such a precious, young woman in our lives. Her goodness will outlast your evil deeds.
She is so greatly missed. The grinding hours of sorrow we all experience are the exclamation points in how precious Ardeth was to us.
Somehow, we all had to pick ourselves up and try to dust off the stench of this senseless killing. Somehow, we are to try to forgive you for terrorizing Ardeth while she was alone and defenseless near Green’s Creek. We are to forgive you for drowning her and stealing her last breath. We are to forgive you for stripping her naked. We are to forgive you for trying to conceal her body and then walking away to let her rot as if her life meant nothing. As far as I am concerned, your life means nothing. I hope the jury sees fit to have you rot in jail until you take your last breath.
MAY GOD FORGIVE YOU BECAUSE TRY AS I MIGHT, I CAN’T!
It’s worth noting that Helene DID forgive her daughter in law’s murderer. That she did find a way to swim through the muck of tragedy and arrive at a peaceful and loving space.
Her prison ministry is one of the ways that she has been able to come through this hardship.
Helene writes:
“To Chris Myers….with a great deal of soul-searching and help, I can finally say I forgive you.”
As a mother, how do you think you would navigate through this type of grief? Would you be willing to forgive?
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